


Never Lost

by Talullah



Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 06:20:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29273853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Talullah/pseuds/Talullah
Summary: In the midst of the darkest time Findis has ever lived through, something good comes along.
Relationships: Findis (Tolkien)/OFC
Comments: 6
Kudos: 7
Collections: 2021 My Slashy Valentine





	Never Lost

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FingolfinSilme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FingolfinSilme/gifts).



> Written for the 2021 My Slashy Valentine, for FingolfinSilme

**Tiron upon Túna, Years of the Trees 1495**

Findis walked the halls of the father alone, enjoying that they were finally empty of people, of the worried voices of those who had chosen to stay behind. It was dark and cold but, despite the absence of the light of the trees, the people seemed to have retained some sense of the rhythm of the days and they had finally left for their homes, searching for food and rest. Or they had been finally exhausted, under all their doubts and fears.

There had only passed a few days since Fëanor had stormed through Tirion, spreading fire with his words. How swiftly had he mobilized a host of followers that had left families divided and emptied homes. She had watched it all happen, stupefact as even her closest kin joined that madman she despised. The Valar had also been stunned into silence and inaction and that was precisely Fëanor’s point - that they did nothing, said nothing. 

But Findis far preferred their ponderous approach than Fëanor’s unpredictable, unprepared lashing. And yet she had to admit that he had been able to mobilize and organize a very large group of people with apparent efficacy in less than a heartbeat. Of course those talented sons of him helped. She did like some of the boys, her nephews, even if she could not think of Fëanor as her brother. She was still shocked that Fingolfin, Írimë and Finarfin had all followed him, that man who barely deigned to acknowledge their existence, let alone behave as kin. 

All these people following him - following where? Why? Did they have the slightest idea of what they were facing in this promised land of Middle-earth? Were they really going after Fëanor’s baubles or revenge for Finwë’s death? Was life so horrible here, in a place where they were free, safe. Findis remembered sitting on her father’s lap and hearing about the horrors they had left behind when they had transverse the sea on an island. The feeling of having to constantly look behind, the darkness of the skies and the hearts. Did they really think they would arrive there and defeat Morgoth? If not even the Valar had done it… And at this point of her relentless train of thought Findis always paused. Had they not chained him? Why had they not killed him? Was it impossible to kill such a being or had they been reluctant to murder their kin? And if so, had their hand been held by the memory of the kinship between them or had they been afraid… Afraid to show the Quendi that they were not above death. Findis did not want to dwell on these questions anymore than she wanted to listen to Fëanor’s poisonous tongue.

She sat on the marble steps under a window that, in other days, would now be casting coulors, all kinds of red, yellow, green, purple, blue… a present from Mahtan to her parents upon the occasion of Fëanor’s wedding to Nerdanel. It was odd how she liked so very much that woman with a mouth as strict as a line and molten copper for hair. Funny how she could think of her as sister-in-law, no different from Anaïre or Eärwen, when she could not think of Fëanor as a brother. She liked the way the glass constantly changed the light, never quite in the same way. And she liked how Nerdanel had, up to a point, brought peace to the family with her strength of character and quiet empathy. That was, until Fëanor’s fire had also burnt that bridge.

Findis heard soft footsteps and the soft rustling of a gown behind her. The warm hand on her shoulder could have been her mother’s but even without a single glance she knew it was not.

“Hey,” she said in greeting, as Airiel sat by her side.

Airiel leaned into her in a gentle nudge. “How was it today?”

Findis sighed. “I am sure you know already. We are all terrified, some people more than others. Mother is talking to everyone, trying to rest some spirits.”

“A hard task when we just lost the trees and half of our people.”

“Yes, it seems that everything is falling apart.”

“Your mother is proving to be a great source of strength and wisdom.”

Findis nodded. If she could admit it to herself, she was surprised too by her mother’s sudden revelation. From a consort queen that was soft-spoken and always focused on an harmonious and comfortable family life had emerged a woman who could give directions with effective, concise directness; a woman who, in the face of uncertainty navigated from one short solution to the other, putting out fires even while she made contingency plans for the unknown longer-term realities that they might face. Her mother was now a queen in her own right, a lighthouse for her family and her people in a world gone dark. Findis was so proud of her that sometimes she almost wished her half-brother was there to see the woman he had so despised reveal her mettle. 

“Airiel, are you scared?” Findis asked at length, resisting the urge to take Airiel’s hand into her own.

“Of course I am scared,,” Airiel said, lowering her head. “It feels as if we have two enemies. They wiped clean half the granaries. As if it wasn’t enough to have Morgoth kill our king and Ungoliant destroy our light.”

“Mother says the Valar will find a way. I wish I had faith as strong as hers.”

Airiel nodded. “I know, darling.” She sighed and they remained in silence for a while, as Findis savoured the sparse ‘darling’ and Airiel stared ahead into the darkened hall.

“Shall we go find a bite to eat?” Airiel proposed at last. “My ass is like a block of ice, cold and hard, from these cold steps.”

Despite the gloomy mood that pervaded her day, Findis found herself half-heartedly giggling. “Your crudeness is always charming.”

Airiel giggled too, even though Findis could hear in her voice that she was making an effort to laugh. She took the hand that Airiel stretched toward her and rose to her feet in a swift movement. They stood before each other for a moment before falling into a long, tight embrace.

It had been like that for a while now. They were friends, best of friends as far as the world could tell, which was nothing to remark upon, given that Airiel was the sister of Anaïre, wife of Findis’s brother. The families had always been close and there were shared nephews and nieces, common interests, and an undeniable affinity between the both of them. If anyone would stumble upon them now, they would only see two long-time friends, close as sisters, supporting each other during a difficult time. And Findis was scared that they might be right. She slowly pulled away from Airiel, avoiding her eyes.

“Shall we go, then?” she said, nodding toward the kitchen. There hadn’t been any formal dinners since the murder of her father. 

Airiel nodded and followed Findis. The kitchen was also empty. The cook had decided to leave with Fëanor and had taken with him most of the staff. Indis had been too busy to replace them, and so they were left with a selection of cheeses, cold meats, fruit and some bread that Eärwen had sent over. It was more than enough considering their lack of appetite. They sat and ate in silence, each lost in their thoughts. Findis’s thoughts ran through the recent events, ranging from the deepest anguish about their shared future, to the absurdly mundane topic of the mourning clothes that her mother wished for them to adopt. As much as she enjoyed their quiet companionship, today, Airiel’s silence as they ate did not feel comfortable.

“Did you go to Anaïre, before coming here?” Findis asked at last.

Airiel lifted her eyes from the grapes. “Do you think we can find a little wine here?”

Findis smiled as she rose from the table to fetch two glasses and bottle. “Was it that bad?”

Airiel sighed as she took the full glass from Findis’s hand. “Well, she’s still in a rage, threatening to castrate your brother if any of her children dies. I don’t know how that will work if later on she decides that she wants more children… Fortunately, Eärwen was there.”

Findis chuckled. “Only you to make me laugh at a time like this.”

Airiel covered her hand with her own. “Only you to find me funny at a time like this. Thanks, but the joke was not that good.”

Findis looked at their hands lying over the table, calculating the moment when one of them would be the first to withdraw, to pretend that it was nothing more than a comforting touch between old friends, but Airiel squeezed her hand and kept it on hers, rubbing her thumb over Findis’s skin. It didn’t feel as before, in their old days, electrifying, but it did not feel free of the weight of her hopes and the warmth of her deep affection. As much as she craved Airiel’s touch, after a moment she tried to withdraw. It was cruel - Airiel surely must have known that she still loved her, always loved her. But Airiel gently but firmly, held her hand in place.

“Airiel…” Findis started.

“No, listen,” Airiel said. “Listen to me.” But she sat there in silence for a moment longer, her eyes fixed on their joining hands.

“I don’t know how to say it,” she started. “Do you still love me? Are we really just friends?” Airiel asked, searching for Findi’s eyes.

Findis pulled back her hand so abruptly that some wine spilled from the glass next to her. “You were the one who wanted it to be over.” She realised she was shaking as she rose to her feet.

“For you. The time wasn’t right, your family would never accept us.”

“We could have kept it secret.”

“Findis, I know you know how bad it was, in the end. The secrecy was killing us.”

Findis stood by the table, looking at her old love in astonishment.

“You let me think, all this time, that you were done, that you felt nothing but friendship.”

“You are my closest friend.” Airiel replied, rising to her feet. “And I love you, but I thought it would be better for you to keep things simple.”

“But things were never simple, were they, Airiel?” Findis asked, feeling hot tears building in her eyes. “For all this time, I felt like I was dying to thirst in front of an undrinkable ocean.”

“I am sorry. It was hard for me too.”

Findis shook her head. “What do you want now? Are you sure there could even be an ‘us’ now, after all this time apart?”

“We were never apart. I was always here for you.”

“Not as my lover.”

“No, not as that.” Airiel stepped forward and gently placed her hands on Findis’s arms.

“What I want now is another chance. You mean the world to me. And now, I think that we could finally be together.”

“What are you saying?”

“I am saying that your father is dead and your brothers are gone in open rebellion against the Valar. I am saying that they are going to create a new world with their own rules and so should we.”

“You know how I feel about this whole adventure,” Findis replied. “And I will never abandon my mother, not when she needs me the most.”

“No,” Airiel said. “I’m not proposing that we run off after them. You know my own thoughts and feelings about their choice. But Those of us who are left… now it’s the time to make our voices heard to the Valar. Look, all this mess started because your father wanted more children and someone to love who was there for him. Do you think he’s the only one? He got an exception because it doesn’t hurt to be a king in these matters. How many other people like him are there. And like us? Do you know what they say about your nephews, Maedhros and Fingon?”

“I know that Maedhros will not have better luck over the sea, not with his father,” Findis said, shaking her head. “And here, us, do you really think we have the slightest chance? My own mother, whom I love so dearly, would be our first enemy, with all her piety.”

Airiel shook her head too, as she ran her hands down Findis’s arms to clasp her hands. “She might surprise you. But if we don’t do this now, we will never do it.”

“We have never been a couple like the others. We have never lived together, attended family celebrations, I don’t know, all those things… What if, in the end, we can’t make it work?”

“Then, it will still be worth it - for us, for the time we may have together, and for the others like us, who may find themselves in a kinder world.”

Findis took a deep breath. In the semi darkness of the kitchen, Airiel seemed older than she remembered, with lines of sadness around the corners of her mouth, but from her eyes shone a light that Findis had not seen in a long time. She wondered how it would feel to kiss her now. She loved her deeply but it had been such a long time since they had last touched each other with desire that, in a way, they seemed to be strangers to one another, more distant than when they had first kissed, in their girlhood.

“You’re staring at my lips,” Airiel said, after a moment.

“I want to say ‘yes’, and I want to kiss you, but I…”

“You are terrified and confused. Just as I am.”

Airiel closed the distance and their lips touched. It was a chaste, short peck, but Findis instantly felt fire coursing down her breast, heat pooling between her legs. She gasped and looked around, startled by her own feelings.

Airiel was still standing so very close to her. Findis realized that her breath had become too short, too fast. Airiel, for all her bravery, was scared too, her hands now so cold and clammy. Findis lowered her head and kissed her softly. She brought their joined hands to her chest.

“I think I need more wine,” she said.

Airiel giggled. “I do too. Are we mad… love?”

Love. Even with that hesitation before it. All the years that Findis had waited to hear that word again from Airiel’s lips, and all the years after those when she had lost hope but still yearned and yearned. Love. Findis started laughing and crying at the same time.

“Yes, we are completely mad.”

They held each other for a long time, rocking gently, whispering soft words.

After a while, they parted. “The wine,” Findis said.

Airiel took the bottle and followed Findis out of the kitchen and up the stairs, through the old familiar path to her bedroom. They sat on the bed, staring at each other, then took turns taking gulps from the bottle as they planned on how to talk to Indis and devised all sorts of plans for all the different types of failure that conversation might have.

“Do you think we are being selfish, thinking of ourselves at a time like this?” Findis asked at last.

“Definitely. But thinking about our personal needs doesn’t mean that we are not thinking of others too and that we are not doing all we can to help. Look at you - didn’t you spend the day hearing about other peoples’ problems, solving disputes, finding ways of feeding those who were left behind in their own homes with nothing to eat?”

Findis nodded, not too convinced.

“Always too hard on yourself,” Airiel said, leaning in to kiss her. They both were tired, fearful, and saddened by the death of Finwë, and the destruction of the trees, and the sundering of their people, but they were also exhilarated to be together again and slightly drunk. Airiel kissed Findis on the lips.

“You taste the same,” she said.

“I taste like wine,” Findis retorted and both giggled. Suddenly something shifted between them and the mix of fear and desire was replaced only by thirst for one another. For the first time in so many years, Findis was allowed to touch Airiel as a lover, not a friend, and, fast as lightning, they were on their knees, undressing each other, kissing furiously, finding all the right touches, words, and kisses of before, riding a wave of desire that threatened to drown them.

When they were done, many hours later, they lay in each other’s arms for a long time. They heard voices below, calling for the queen and Findis dressed in haste, to go and help Indis with whatever it was this time. Airiel was alright behind her and when they reached the hall, Indis was already listening attentively to the alarming reports of movement towards Alqualondë. Nothing escaped Indis’s keen eye but Findis did not try to hide that she was holding Airiel’s hand. Her mother would talk to her later, but now they had other emergencies. Still, Findis noticed that Indis did not narrow her eyes the way she always did when her children misbehaved. Hope and joy filled her chest and she clasped Airiel’s hand harder as she volunteered to ride immediately to Alqualondë to see why Fëanor was heading there and what was to pass. She had Airiel’s love, and that was all that she needed.

Finis  
February 2021

**Author's Note:**

> OFC name from https://realelvish.net/. Airiel - Daughter of Holy One (Quenya)


End file.
